Sunday, March 08, 2009

Nabal

Will some good lovely woman out there please write a sermon on women married to the Nabals of this world?

For those of you who aren't Christians, there is a story in the Bible about a sane good woman named Abigail who was married to a food named Nabal. Doesn't help that his name means folly.

I've seen so many Nabals in my time I can't count. And yet, when ministers give sermons about submission they assume the men are perfect. But let's face it...some of these guys are poison. I have a friend whose husband made her buy a crappy house just so he could be close to his card-playing friends. I have a friend whose hubby is totally selfish and buys himself tons of electronic toys -- last thing was a Harley or honda motorbike-- while the family survived on my friend's paycheck.

What are women to do when they are married to men who literally kill them by making them stress or by making stupid far--reaching decisions? Oh, women ministers, where are you????? Stand up against all this horrible silly doctrine we have had to endure because of male preachers. I mean, when am I going to hear a minister -- male or female-- give a sermon about men "giving their life" for their wives. Hey, we women must submit but men must sacrifice themselves. Wisely dividing the word of truth? Not in most churches. And so many women ministers still reinforce the old cruelty. (And I'm not even talking about guys who've killed their wives and bullied them.)

Let us consider the Nabal/Abigail situation. She is married to a fool. A rich powerful guy arrives. Her husband forbids her to help handsome warrior. But she disobeys him and rushes off to badmouth her husband to this warrior. Her husband dies and immediately she marries warrior without so much as a heartbeat. Honestly, if a woman were to do this in real life, Christians would slam her. But she does this in the Bible and David is the hot warrior/king so we excuse that. Talk about flaky relativistic ethics. And then we tell women in Abigail's situation that we must submit, as Abigail did; or we must be noble as Abigail was because she recognized the Lord's anointed. Ah, the amount of women who have run off with ministers because they had bad husbands! Is that what we're telling ladies? That's the subtext and the subtle myth we're playing with here. Do we really realize what is going on here? I really like Abigail but --I just don't like David-- the way this story is often preached well, the rebound subtext is nauseating. Like a Christian romance. A bad one. A good man will take you after you've suffered with a bad man. That will be your reward from God. puhleze!

Marriage is a powerful institution and can be soul-destroying and life-destroying. It's been known for years that a bad marriage can destroy a woman's health. Pick the wrong spouse to "submit to" and you have ruined your life. And the trouble is that most good church women are so noble and wanting to please God they will put up with this crap, dying a early death or waiting for their Nabal to keel over. Of course he generally doesn't keel over. But even if he does die before his wife, the wife is generally too old, too sickly (because of his foolishness), too poor (again because of his foolishness and oftentimes his stubbornness) to make much of her life. Unless God steps in and do some miraculous recovery of her soul, body, finances, etc. So she'll have five years to enjoy her life AT LAST. Yeah, I know...I sound cynical but ministers really should watch what they say to married women about how to submit and who to submit to. Call me a bitch but if someone is suffering with a crappy spouse, I'll be the first to say, "Divorce the idiot!" And if it's a man, I'll say, "Submit my eye!"

Hey, Abigail deceived her husband, went behind his back, and ran off with another man after her hubby died of a heart attack. Except for the heart attackr part, sounds pretty cool to me. But then the other guy was David. And she ran off with David after her hubby had the attack. But dang, do these women have to wait around for their hubbies to die of heart attacks? Come on, women preachers, tell the Abigails out there what to do!

Honestly, I don't have much of an ism but it was said of Studs Terkel and I hope it will be said of me: "If she had an ism, it's underdogism." I just hate the idea of thousands of women being made to endure crap by churches telling them to submit to Nabals...and damaging the souls of women by not looking carefully at the story. -C

14 comments:

Carole McDonnell said...

Hi Dawn:

The trouble is these guys tend to be leaders of their families...but they're just stupid and not inclined to learn. They're often kind-hearted but selfish and stubborn. And the Abigails are often silent sufferers. True, though, they do have their friends to complain to. But honestly! -C

Anonymous said...

Truly, there needs to be a sermon. I see all these books for men and women and how the women are to submit. A Woman After God's Heart by Ms. George...oh my-bad stuff(if he's majorly wrong)!

We ladies need something encouraging for us to hold on to, and women pastors need to speak on this more..I think there will be some revelations spilled and hearts without burden any longer.
I would like to do one for the women one day at my church, I will like to take that torch, Carole.

But, for some reason, I think by my just now being married and then preaching about women leaving crazy husands may make some women frown at me, like "Why is she saying this?". I will have to be direct...

Carole McDonnell said...

Ah, woman! You were the one I was thinking of when I hoped for a woman pastor to tackle this. And yes! You're so right. There needs to be a relief from the burden and this guilty enslaving of women to the whims of immature and foolish men.God will tell you when the time is right and will give you the right words. -C

Anonymous said...

Ah ha! :)

Anonymous said...

Ouch Mrs McDonnell! You certainly don't minch words do ya! LOL... love your direct, no-holds-barred approach...

Yes, their must be a balance in the message. But even the Nabals are a tool of God. Abigail would never have married into royalty, King David no less, if it weren't for the Nabalist trial in her life. The difference between Abigail and some other women is that she recognised the annointed of God, and gave him the due honor and respect. She knew how to please God, and interceed on behalf of her people.

And, an other essential point of the story is that she obviously was bitter about her situation. She was led of the Lord and obeyed Him. It was this beauty of spirit that really softened the anger of King David. He saw in her a godliness and godly submission. Her aim was not so much to save her husband, but to please and honour her king. She was a peace-maker. And, we know that peace-makers shall be called the children of God.

Not that I am saying we have to take all the crap under the sun... no, no way. Just that we must always be led of the Spirit and walk without bitterness. Hard call, but hey... if Abigail can do it, then so can we.

Great thought-provoking post Carole :)

Carole McDonnell said...

Hi Amanda:

True, Abigail was a sweet soul but I'm not sure if being married to David and entering into Royalty is a good thing. As Christians we've been so trained to believe that marrying a king is somehow symbolic of our relationship with God that we forget how icky David is...and we make excuses for him.

In this case, marrying king David is much like Esther marrying Xerxes. Nowhere do we read that Esther would have liked being married to a king with many other wives and seeing her husband once every three weeks with his exqueen also in the harem. It doesn't even say that Esther loved Xerxes, only that he liked her above all the women and called her to his bed once every three weeks...if that.

Abigail ends up with David. I think he could have given her to someone else if he didn't want her to be alone. I mean, when Michal got "rescued" from her second husband by David, was that a blessing? David is no great shakes as a husband. Abigail endured but as you said, she was bitter. She could have saved her husband by making up a lie -- which is what ministers would probably have women do if they are married to Nabals. But Abigail is so bitter she insults her husband and complains to another man about him. Not that sweet a spirit because living with Nabal had brought a heck of a lot of emotional grief by that time.

It's one thing to recognize the anointed of God, another thing to complain about one's husband to him and then after one's husband dies run off with the man who already has other wives. Is this what Christian women suffering with Nabals are supposed to do? I don't think so. Abigail is never really mentioned again in David's life. So I doubt she was happy. Like Michal, she probably would've preferred living with one man who loved her. -C

Anonymous said...

oops typo... I just reread my above comment. I meant to say that Abigail was NOT bitter.
Anyway, that was just my impression of Abigail (that she wasn't bitter. Frustrated yes, but not bitter).

Must go and re-read that passage of scripture ;)

Carole McDonnell said...

Ah, who knows! I've noticed in our Bible study that there are folks we favor and excuse and folks we don't. Michal snaps at her husband for dancing naked -- and this is a marriage that has endured a lot of stress-- and folks say she's bitter. Job's wife gets suicidal and wants to curse God because all her children have been killed and she lost everything and folks say she is bitter. Abigail goes off immediately with a guy after her husband dies and we say she's frustrated. I don't know. I'm sounding way more angry than I actually am but I know so many church people who will say something like, "True she dishonored her husband by talking about him to another man while her husband was alive. But she wasn't as bad as so and so." Maybe Abigail wasn't bitter. Maybe she was only frustrated. But the upshot is: many women have acted somewhat like Abigail. They complain about their husbands to other men. They dishonor their husbands by talking about their hubby's faults. They sneak around being their husband's backs because their husbands are such fools. And we pretty much judge these women in real life. But we don't have much to say against Abigail...because she got King David. A guy who pretty much died with bitterness on his lips...in both versions of his death. And the upshot is: Is running off with the first guy one meets after one has been married to a nabal a good idea? Wouldn't we be picking at Abigail if she had run off with another man? or with a king we don't like? We just need to be more fair toward women in the Bible and not to judge them by whether we love the man they end up with. -C

Carole McDonnell said...

I just wonder about this. As a writer. Ah, the amount of women who have run off with ministers because they had bad husbands! Is that what we're telling ladies? That's the subtext and the subtle myth we're playing with here. -C

Anonymous said...

I must live in a very small, protected part of the world because I have not met too many Nabals or Abigails in my time as a Christian. Who are you more mad at Carole? Abigail or Nabal? ;)

For me, I try to not get stressed about or opinionated re anyone's marriage/ problems other than my own. Fortunately I am not married to a Nabal, so the 'Abigail tendancy' in me will remain untested...
I am not saying this in a smart alec manner, even if it may sound that way. I just don't get annoyed about these 'types' of people etc. I have never met a woman yet who left a bullish husband for another so-called wonderful man. And if I did, I would think that it will all be judged by Him who knows the whole picture.

Call me ignorant, but I get more upset over the following in churches: false teachers and false teaching, religious spirited know-it-alls, hypocrites and liars, egotistical, vein ministers, arrogance, and control freaks at the helm of ministry, dead churches puffed up with self-importance to the point that they can't even discern that the Lord exited long before; lack of real authority and power in the church today.

Nabal? He got what he deserved.
Abigail? Perhaps she did too. Difference between husband #1 and #2 was that the later knew and loved the Lord. Not perfect, but sensitive to the Lord. The Lord said he was a man after His own heart. Nabal, well, he was just a fat greedy pig.

There... some of my late night ramblings. :)
Amanda
(Priceless Pearls)

Carole McDonnell said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Carole McDonnell said...

Hi Amanda:

In the post I wrote that I would like to hear a balanced sermon about suffering women. So I'm mad at the authoritarian ministers and pastors who hammer suffering women with sermons about submission.

I generally don't get stressed or opinionated about other people's marriages either. But I happen to have a kind heart and so people tend to tell me their sorrows. So because I care I get opinionated and stressed. I've known several Abigails. Usually pastors wives. Few of the Abigails I met ever left their husbands. I remember two who left. One who got into a serious depression. The others just suffered in silence and kinda waited for their husbands to leave the world. And by that time they were too old and bitter to even care about getting a husband #2.

In addition, my grandfather was a minister. I was surrounded by suffering minister's wives.

The weird thing about the general usage of the Abigail story is that it seems to speak to many Christian women because there are soooo many Christian novels in which a woman suffers with a Nabal and then gets a good man. So it's part of the Christian woman's mindset in some ways...and perhaps because the Abigail story is used as a subtext because of ministers who use it to show the perfect suffering woman.

Honestly, though, I'd rather women have sermons about how to deal with Nabals, and men have sermons about how not to deal with Nabals, than the sermons we hear about "wasn't Abigail blessed by God to have David after all her suffering?"

I, too, dislike bad teachers. And if we dislike bad teachers or false teachers, we have to search all teachings to see if they rightly divide the world of truth. Not just the teachings we like. We all have pet teachings. In my eyes, a sermon which shows Esther as a trophy wife and which misses the point that she was probably quite a sufferer does as much damage to women and families and children as a sermon which is more obviously flawed. But we Christians don't want our pet sermons challenged. As a Christian I am told to prove all things. Even small minor sermons. As a writer, I see romanticized or racialized subtexts in sermons that bother me.

Hope the trip is going well. -C

Anonymous said...

I do agree with you Carole... I never meant to trivialize any of your points. Just that I have not met many of the types you have described but obviously because our lives are lived in different places/circumstances etc...

I apologise if I sounded argumentative in my comments... not my intention believe me. It is hard to convey thoughts in the manner they are meant sometimes. Easier when you can 'speak' them with a smile or questioning tone etc.

The triop arrangments are coming along fine thank you! :)

Carole McDonnell said...

No problem, Amanda.

Fonts definitely don't convey tone.

Glad all is well. -C

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