Monday, June 01, 2009

Oh gee! Yet another sin brought to my attention

Envy.

Yep. First the Lord told me to deal with my wounded heart and my resentment about money and the proud heart it had given me. And now, he has gone out of his holy way to let me see my envious heart.

Weirdly it's an odd mix of jealousy and envy. And it has to do with the Cinderella issue. I've always known that I'm pretty peeved that I married a regular guy. I didn't mind it in the beginning mind you. But when one sees what wealth can bring then a normal guy doesn't seem quite as good. This is mixed with my love of fairytales. Deep in my heart I've always wanted to marry a prince (instead of a prince of a guy.)But that is mere fairytale stuff. But after snippy people judge one's house, weight, etc, one finds one's self wanting to "show them" and that ends up in my envious/jealous mind as being a wish for a rich guy so those who sniped at me would be envious. I suspect this could lead to an adulterous heart and am happy no rich guy -- okay, no rich straight guy-- ever came asking me for my (now-married) hand. And so am trying to work on that...not daydreaming about rich powerful men ...and keeping the imagination only on the novel level.

Will see. Why, oh why, does the Lord have to bring these things to my attention? Maybe they're getting in the way. After all, Job didn't have anger issues after bad stuff happened to him. He only developed anger issues after his friends came to enlighten him. They were good folks, I think. After all, they were defending God and no doubt if one didn't really understand what Satan does and if one is seeing so many devastations happening to a friend in one day and if one believes that God is sovereign and nothing can happen unless He ordains it....then one would challenge Job;s righteousness. But it led to Job having bitterness against church people. And when one has had church folks tell one that one must not have faith or else such and such and such and such and such and such would not have happened all at once, then all one can do is answer A) So, why does God punish me for what he allows you to do? or B) keep one's mouth shut. But then what happens is a bitter root. And that bitter root messes up one's ability to be healed, makes one sicker, and produces pride and envy.

I still wish to be richer than my judgmental Christian friends. But now am careful that I don't sit around wishing for rich young man to take me away from hubby. Will wish for hubby and I to get rich together.
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